Married parent struggles with crush on

A married parent of two has written to advice columnist Annalisa Barbieri about developing strong feelings for a teacher at their children's school. The parent, married for 20 years, describes a stable marriage but finds themselves deeply preoccupied with this other person, who is also married with children.

Their interactions are limited at school, but they also attend a weekly non-school activity together. What began as casual conversation has become significant in the writer's mind. They find themselves looking forward to meetings and replaying conversations. No inappropriate actions have occurred, and neither party has acknowledged any romantic feelings, yet the writer senses a potential mutual connection.

The writer is struggling to interpret these feelings. They question whether the attraction points to something missing in their long-term marriage or is simply a reaction to encountering someone new. They wonder if it represents a genuine connection or an untested fantasy. Their primary concern is avoiding harm to their spouse, children, the teacher, and that teacher's family.

Expert perspective on desire and crushes

Annalisa Barbieri sought insight from psychotherapist Mark Vahrmeyer. He challenged the romantic notion that finding the right person ends all other desire. "You can love your wife, value your marriage and still find yourself drawn to someone else," Vahrmeyer stated. He emphasized that the feeling's existence does not inherently signal a failing marriage or a personal flaw.

Vahrmeyer described a crush as potentially harmless and even enjoyable. It can feel like a private experience within the constraints of a committed life. The problem starts when a person begins to feed the fantasy. Seeking signs it is mutual, creating more contact, or treating the daydream as a real relationship crosses a line.

Real, long-term relationships navigate everyday routines and compromises. A crush exists outside that reality, often feeling freeing and intense by comparison.

Containing the feeling, not testing it

Vahrmeyer addressed the allure of the "imagined relationship." He noted the writer only knows this teacher through limited, favourable circumstances, not the demands of daily life. In fantasy, the other person can become anyone you need them to be. Infatuation can make the unfamiliar seem vivid and the familiar seem dull, but that doesn't mean the unfamiliar would fare better in reality.

His advice was clear. "You do not need to deny the feeling, but nor should you test whether it is mutual," Vahrmeyer advised. Seeking confirmation, increasing contact, or disclosing the attraction would turn fantasy into action. The task, he said, is not to repress the desire but to contain it. This involves considering what the feeling might signify while rigorously maintaining boundaries to protect everyone involved.

Barbieri added her own strong counsel against acting on these feelings. She warned that starting a relationship with a trusted figure at a child's school would have deep and long-lasting repercussions, particularly for the children. The column is part of a weekly series where Annalisa Barbieri addresses personal problems submitted by readers.